This is going to be a long one, so make sure you have proper time to dive in. And it’s not-so-swell.
I probably should have started advocating for this with my writing a long time ago. It’s not like me not talking about this is making it go away.
I mean, just last year, the guy I pawned off on others contacted me six months later and again requested my services. Why? He liked my “vibe”. Dude… I wouldn’t work with you before, I’m not going to now, either. His job? Professional boudoir photographer who likes to empower women.
As if.
PLEASE NOTE! THIS POST IS GRAPHIC AND MAY INDUCE ANXIETY AND PTSD SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
There once was this young military kid who made references to his time in Asia on more than one occasion. We’d laugh about it, I’d remind him that ‘we don’t do that here’, and we’d move on. Oddly enough, we were both seemingly genuine in our goodbyes when he was shipped off to a new location. (Thank God, though, right?)
Or how about the guy who (sweetly) brought the entire studio coffee because he thought he and I were “friends” after a handful of sessions? I made sure to make mention of my boyfriend (now husband) at the time. Sorry! Not available!
Or the guy who kept claiming he was hot and needed his sheet a different way. I think this guy was a cop. I told him he had to stay draped. (Policy’s policy.)
How about the jerk who recently texted late at night and asked if I did Karsai. I had to look it up–not amused. I told him to seek a medical doc and if he ever contacted me or my affiliates again, we’d consider it harassment. (I naturally told him a medical doc because clearly he needed a shrink.)
Wow, I just had another memory kick in! A dude who blared his own music during his massage! Stupid me was like, ‘sure, of course you can play your own music’. This jerk made more than one reference to massaging the inside of his leg. I let him know he should probably seek clinical care if he needed help on that part of his muscle. Sometime in the future, he was again in the studio and I immediately made myself scarce. Someone else booked him another massage with me. I magically became unavailable for that booked massage and had to cancel it.
He did not rebook with anyone else.
Jeez. How many times have things been inappropriate that I don’t remember? And why the hell is this a part of my job?
Here’s the latest doozy! The asshat I banned in 2020 is back! WTF!
Here’s how I see it:
This particular prick groomed me. I was always leery around him, but I’m a professional and kept him as a client for over a year. Over a year! Looking back, at the time of the infraction, he had stopped talking about his wife and kids. I swear one time I saw him check out my ass. During the pandemic, he even reached out to my Facebook account and asked if I would massage him at his house. I reminded him that that was highly illegal at that point; no freaking way. (No way, anyway!) He would email my business account, too.
Right before the infraction I regrettably had offered some personal information that I was about to get married–this was only to imply that I would be out of town for awhile, so if he wanted an appointment sometime before then, he should go ahead and make one. Rereading old emails, he did offer me an early congratulations, and said he’d like to see me one more time but if he couldn’t, he understood, and he wished me the best.
I was literally just telling him I’d be out of town for awhile. Holy crap — this was his response: I guess I didn’t know how to take it at 1st. I would love to continue to see you! You’re the best massage therapist I’ve ever had! So I’ll book for Saturday & hope it works out. He later went on to say he really needed it, and my dumbass told him to take a rest if he was working out too much! (Guess he had been telling me about his manly weightlifting. Eye roll.)
OH! This is so freaking infuriating!!!
So the day of the infraction: I took him into a room he’d never been in before because we had another therapist working at the time. This room is a beautiful room with lit salt panels on the walls, any color of your choosing.
My guess is he took it as special for him, not special in general. (It’s a damn lovely space.)
He clearly missed the point that the other massage room was in use, so we needed somewhere else to go!
WARNING! WARNING! ABOUT TO GET GROSS AF!
At any rate, I was in denial about what was going on. He was often ticklish. He often adjusted himself while lying prone. He often “responded” that way when he was supine. In school, we are taught that this is normal and there’s no reason to shame a man for “relaxing”, right? Maybe it shouldn’t be normalized. Maybe that’s more patriarchal bullshit.
And so this particular day he adjusted himself for quite a bit, so long that I almost said something to him about it. I turned away from his lower half to continue working on his back, jabbing into the QL muscle, into his traps, trying to come up a with a solution to make. it. stop! Before I could enact any sort of plan, though, his apparent need to stop “readjusting” must have kicked in.
So I convinced myself that it had never happened.
Even so, when I discovered disgusting wet sheets upon his departure, I was floored. FLOORED!
Is that really what happened? What the hell was this guy’s problem?
It is still etched into my memory how another person in the studio asked about his massage while the predator was waiting to pay. I can see his smile, the acknowledgment of another great massage from me. The God Blasted NERVE.
I was freaking weak afterwards, calling my now-husband in disbelief. I contacted the studio owner and she graciously let me ban the psycho in my own way, which was an email:
Dear (Name):
In lieu of what happened during or after your massage session on Saturday, October 3, 2020 at 10:45AM, our therapeutic and professional relationship has ended. This isn’t the first time I’ve suspected something, and while I’m not sure if your actions on the table and subsequent wet sheets left behind on Saturday were nefarious on your part, it doesn’t matter; this is a clear violation of the client / licensed massage therapist professional relationship, and trust is now broken as ethical boundaries on your part have been crossed. I am a professional through and through, and this behavior insults my intelligence and the profession at large. The owner of the studio is being CCed on this email. The other therapists who work at the studio also know what happened. This event is well-documented. There is no need for a response, and this email effectively ends all future communication with me, and all future communication with everyone affiliated with (Name of Studio).
Look at me trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Aren’t I kind?
Rereading through old emails, he also had apparently asked at some point to start facing upwards because he really wanted his back to be the last part to be massaged. Translation, I’m a pervert?
Those last emails between us, I can clearly see a pattern of me still working with him, but also trying to break away. Maybe he knew it.
But anyway, on April 18, 2024, he deign call the studio asking for me to return his call to schedule a massage. Are you kidding me? This is over three and a half years later!
The studio texted me and said to give this guy a call to book an appointment. Naturally, the person who took the call knew nothing about all of this, but guess what? Everyone should now! I was very graphic about why the situation with this jackass needed to be brought up to the studio owner. His number has been blocked, his account is flagged, he cannot book appointments on his own.
I contacted a local place for legal advice and was informed that I should file a police report. I spoke with non-emergency and dispatch and it seems like everyone is heavily encouraging me to file a restraining order, which I might just do that, even if he doesn’t reach out again. Any which way, I filed the police report and it’s in writing and documented that he has reached out to me via the studio after being banned almost four years ago.
What can we do to help STOP this shit?
As a massage therapist, I have the damn right to do my job safely and effectively without repercussions. We are professionals. We are in healthcare. A lot of us are licensed. We train in human anatomy, human psyche and ethics. We help with pain management, increased mobility and a million other things. I personally do energy work as well.
In our training, we need to be given phone numbers to call if something happens. We need local massage advocate groups. We need law enforcement’s positive support in addition to PD hunting down human traffickers and illegitimate studios. We need the healthcare industry to finally acknowledge us as a part of preventative and reactive care. Health insurances need to cover massage, just like most cover chiropractic.
We have to speak out about this shit. We need to speak out about our experiences and share them. We need to blast our friends and family who make inappropriate comments. We need to blast Hollywood and the general media anytime they depict us in the wrong light.
I’m not one for censorship, but enough is enough. Just look at the bullshit I’ve had to endure in almost fifteen years of practice–and this is just what I recall off of the top of my head!
Until advocates and their family and friends speak up to help fix this (not cure it, fix it), this abuse will stay the same. This is NOT OKAY.
It is not too big to change. I don’t care how it was in the past. This is literally how change happens! Start today. If you mention this post, I guarantee someone you know will make an off-color remark.
It is your job to correct them. Help me out, help your sister, your wife, your aunt Sarah, help your own therapist.
Trust me, no massage therapist wants to be put in these situations. Nobody wants to feel unsafe in their chosen profession.
We just want to help people.
And if the asshat who just called me happens to be reading this — stay the hell away.
Actually, all of you asshats out there. Stay the hell away.
RESOURCES: ABMP * Respect Massage * Sexual Assault Hotline
