Prologue: Coming off of a vacation–literally a 4.5 hour drive–zero food, zero water (Hello, I’m not allowed to make pit-stops when we’re in a time crunch!)
Setting: 4th of July shindig with the crazy uncle
Background: grew up with an older brother, and aforementioned crazy uncle (15 years my elder, however)
Aftermath: No, I didn’t barf it all up. Yes, the memory of acidity in my stomach is still fresh days later and all I want is lemon water.
Public Persona: I’m told I appear laidback to those who don’t know me well.
In-the-know Persona: I’m assuming everyone thinks I’m a spaz.
Intoxicated Self: Real Self? Shadow Self?
Because this past weekend, my intoxicated self was a*n*g*r*y, loud (always), and punchy! (Usually I’m just punchy with my uncle and brother, but apparently it was directed at all the men this time.)
So does this mean…. my true person or AKA shadow self is angry? In particular, angry at men? Loud? Violent?
Angry at men: Okay, I’ll buy it. I’m a woman in America.
Loud: Okay, I’ll buy it. I have a lifetime of feeling unheard, invalidated. I was literally screaming from the rooftop about the state of America.
Violent: A further step into anger? I’m not sure about this one. I don’t want to be aggressive. I grew up with boys, though, right or wrong, for better or worse. Just a fact. The boys I grew up with were a little rough.
Reflection time. Alright. So maybe not.
When researching about alcohol being a downer, I found EHN Canada’s article about it actually being biphasic, which resonates. When you first drink alcohol, it acts as a stimulant. Then, as it settles into your system, it becomes a depressant.
Woo-woo Time. In terms of balance, if you’re stimulating your higher senses, theoretically, you may be depressing your lower senses. In regard to chakras, this means you aren’t particularly grounded anymore. Once the alcohol becomes a depressant and your upper chakras become blocked, the world crashes back down and you are back in your worldly funk of base/lower-vibrating emotions. (Anger is pretty low on the scale.)
*An aside – check out other posts regarding the chakras.
This makes experiential sense. I was happy and in a good mood, and then when the fireworks took off, my depression about the state of this country and He-who-shall-not-be-named took over. I’m not going to get political here and air my grievances–I love my country–but apparently when my pre-frontal cortex is taking a hit from alcohol and I’m deep-in-my-chakral crud, I’m ready to throw-down!
Verbally and physically!
This is where it gets interesting.
My further deep dive took me to this Reddit post, which led me to this stimulating podcast episode. WARNING: It does contain instances of sexual assault but it also provides insightful conversation about what alcohol actually does to a person.
I’m going to guess Gen X is probably the one who coined the whole drunken thing being your true self revealed (seems like the cynical thing we’d do), but I like what people are saying in the post and better yet, the podcast.
The myopic opinion rings true, especially in lieu of the group of people who used the alcohol in an intentional manner. Whether they knew it or not, their intention to use alcohol in that setting did not create a setting say similar to what happens at a frat party.
Even so, one Reddit user mentioned that alcohol, by way of myopia, perhaps is “cutting off our better selves”. I don’t really think that’s it at all, because otherwise the intentional community from the podcast couldn’t exist.
With metaphorical myopia, losing the bigger picture doesn’t always mean making crummy decisions and making mistakes. Sometimes knee-jerk reactions are the right one. Environment matters. On the 4th I was with the boys who raised me, and felt safe to air my grievances.
My better self wasn’t cut off from me. I was able to focus on the fireworks, which led me to the 4th of July, which led me to my country and everything that is happening in the world. It was a metaphoric myopic moment, where I was able to focus on how I felt in the moment, that moment being Independence Day fireworks, on a rooftop, with my family.
The physicality of my intoxicated self, well, I’m not a violent person, but play-fighting (and maybe some real-fighting) is how I was brought up.
Again.
Environment.
Science Time. After reading the post and listening to the podcast, I wanted to explore more about how alcohol affects the brain. Anyone who knows my writing, knows I love the brain! It’s fascinating the parts of the brain alcohol affects, in what order, depending on how much you drink.
Each lobe of the brain controls something different. Once alcohol is absorbed into each part, and depending on how fast and furious you drink, depending on what you drink, depending on what you ate, your body is going to react accordingly.
Yeah, your executive functioning is gone. There’s no planning, reasoning, or decision making. You’re in the moment, and you just do. Lack of emotional regulation, being in your feels, and losing control of expressive speech? Check. Lack of impulse control? Check. Altered memory if you drink a LOT? Check.
Field of vision altered? Check.
Back to myopia. If your literal field of vision is altered, we can say how you are not seeing the bigger picture. You’re seeing a small version of what is actually there, and that is what you’re going to respond to.
For instance, science supports your periphery turning into tunnel vision during a panic attack. Which means you’re not seeing the whole picture. Read about my take on anxiety here.
So figuratively, this metamorphic myopia could also be being created because of your literal lack of seeing the whole picture. Which in turn makes you more reactive to the immediate aspect of your surroundings.
This, inherently, does not make you a bad person. It’s just you without the rest.
After therapeutically dissecting the 4th of July, I’m feeling better about this shadow self supposedly rearing its ugly head. It’s okay. It’s a part of me, too.
No, I’m not denying who I really am by actively seeking peace on a daily basis. I’m not denying my true self by refusing to stay angry about all of the horrible things that man does to man. Just because I choose to be in the light, as it were, does not mean that the dark doesn’t exist. It doesn’t mean that I’m not capable of feeling those baser emotions, too.
Just because I got intoxicated the other night, it doesn’t mean that I’m secretly this hateful person. It just means that, with the alcohol, the setting, the fact that I hadn’t eaten, my brain got sloppy. Fast.
I wasn’t able to keep my mouth shut and my emotions in check. I got punchy because I felt safe to get punchy.
However, I am graaaaaateful that, while I do all sorts of practices to be in the moment, to be at peace in the moment, even with that limited metaphorical line of vision, I still know the bigger picture.
Remembering the bigger picture is what keeps me sane.
This reinvigorates me to be more intentional about what I feed my brain and how I feed my brain, because as long as I have a little control over how I experience this world–scientifically, energetically, functionally– I’m going to take it.
