By Guest Blogger Aekta Bandodker
Please read A Series, Part One: Background. My Dosha Journey–A Personal Perspective on Ayurveda and A Series, Part Two: How our Doshas Develop. My Dosha Journey–A Personal Perspective on Ayurveda prior to The Happy Middle. It will give you the proper background for understanding doshas in the context of my personal history.
We are living in the modern age where a Pitta mentality is usually seen as some kind of gold standard. Think: hustle culture and being “fast to beat your enemies,” “racing to the top,” and other external pressures to compete and “keep up with the best” or “become the best,” even if it means being untrue to oneself or one’s true desires and interests. Of course, this only makes things worse for all of us. Perhaps those with a sensitive temperament take a stronger hit, or feel the consequences of this pressure the most.
At least, this was my experience. These perfectionistic tendencies ingrained into me by my parents’ own Pitta imbalances turned into a life recipe that I used for everything. From beating myself up over failures or perceived failures while also developing a habit of judging other people more quickly and harshly based on very arbitrary and frankly, just plain stupid standards.
This is not to say that having standards is stupid on its own. But the way my mind held them, and how it made little rules for almost every little thing…well, my mind became a prison that blocked me from true connection, both with myself and with the larger world. It didn’t help that this Pitta tendency of a fast paced, highly goal directed, competitive and aggressive modern life was more or less favored by most of society and it was rare to find friends, role-models, and adults who didn’t encourage or buy into this unhealthy toxic hustle story. (I’d like to add a reminder here that Pitta energy isn’t bad or negative on its own; it’s the overdoing of it that leads people to burn-out.)
Sure, a lot of it may have been simply fueled by intergenerational trauma and the after-effects of my parents’ generation (at least in my specific ancestry) living in a way where they had to hustle hard to survive because it’s what life taught them to do. It was totally valid to their own experiences of becoming adults, so it wasn’t really a surprise that they would spill that mindset onto me.
And yes, some of my own life has also shown me that I must “hustle,” or “work hard” to survive. That is a fact, and it’s not the whole picture or the only fact or really, as my own personal experiences have shown me, a fact that’s worth putting up on a pedestal above all other words of wisdom about life. Hustle culture and climbing up the hedonic treadmill is not as glorified as many who engage in it day in and day out make it out to be. At some point, or at multiple points if the person hasn’t yet hit their rock bottom, burnout is inevitable.
We don’t have to live this way.
At least, I won’t live this way because I don’t want to burn out again. I don’t take pride in the fact that I worked so hard that I couldn’t work anymore and had to spend a few years unemployed–to date–just to recover and heal.
So where’s the happy middle? How did I get from the combination of a Vata-dominant imbalance (think lots of “air energy”) compounded by a Pitta-encouraging culture that led me to develop a secondary Pitta-dosha imbalance when my internal fire (or agni in Sanskrit) burned too bright? Remember, Pitta is the fire element, and it hurt both me and those I loved. How did I get to how I feel now? I am more calm, less anxious, more accepting, barely competitive, and totally okay with where I am in my journey even if it doesn’t scream “successful”. This “success” in the way that either I or the majority of the people I know may have imagined or defined when we were younger did not lead to true satisfaction, but to exhaustion.
The answer was always there, literally beneath my feet and around me, if only I had taken the time to slow down & notice. The answer was the Earth, the ground, the gentleness of water. All of these were my missing elements. I had overdone air and fire. Without the steady and nourishing elements of water and Earth in my life, I drove myself to exhaustion.
If you’re still having a hard time understanding the metaphorical language of the elements and how they weave through our human lives, the following are a few other ways they’ve been depicted that might help you grasp the idea better. Not all of them are necessarily stories created to demonstrate Ayurveda, but they still serve as good examples of showing the analogies between the elements of nature and human behavior and personality.
○ The Disney Pixar movie Elemental
○ Effortless Action: The Art of Spontaneity YouTube documentary by Jason Gregory
○ The Art of Effortless Living YouTube documentary by Jason Gregory
When I found myself on the bridge between trying to people-please–showing myself as some successful poster-child of my parents–and how I truly feel about the meaning of success and internal peace and happiness, my real life began. My Vata & Pitta dosha imbalances led me to burn out. I believe this is how I really began to understand who I am, all masks down and people-pleasing aside. When I was at my rock bottom and saw how trying to meet someone else’s idea of success had caused a lot of internal confusion by clashing with my true ideals, I began to decondition & came home to myself. I began to go within for validation and meaning, learning how to embrace how I really felt and nurture who I really was, despite the constant change and seeming “failure” my life may have looked like from the outside.
If we’re only going by external, material factors–like having my own place, or having some kind of steady career that’s making me a lot of money–I have neither of those things at the moment. What I do have though, and no longer seek externally, is a general sense of inner peace and joy that comes from the little things in life that we can’t notice unless we slow down.
I still have my Vata & Pitta tendencies; it’s not like I no longer embody anything from those dominant doshas, but the shift pre-burnout to post-burnout, as I write this a year after I first hit my rock bottom, is that there’s this third energy. This Kapha energy, the slow and deliberate, soft, and nurturing energy, that’s both steady and strong yet quiet. This “no need to boast or show off” energy that’s more stable has come into my daily rituals and how I approach the time I spend on my Vata-Pitta pursuits. This third energy is helping me ground, serving as the backdrop of inner assurance and calm that I’m finally allowing more space for.
My natural baby Kapha energy, this bubbly little girl that I was before I turned 4 and headed on my Vata (and later Pitta) dosha trajectory, was never truly gone or lost. She was always here inside me, waiting patiently for me to let her come back to the forefront and give more voice to my life’s decisions.
She never left me… I simply wasn’t listening to her and saw her more gentle approach as “weak”. Even though at the moments in my life where I have been the most proud of myself, or have needed myself the most and shown up, this softness and vulnerability, and my capacity to be sensitive, has been anything but “weak.”
My sensitivity has been the beacon of light in my darkest hours, and if ever I saw it as “weak,” it was just another internalized and unhelpful, ultimately destructive message I had taken on from those who had lost touch with their own vulnerability–their own inner child and the place in which true compassion lives. Now that I understand this, from years of continuing therapy and just coming out of my worst-yet rock bottom, I don’t see it as shameful or anything to hide. In fact, gentleness is what is saving me and helping me recover, and not just recover, but thrive while I recover and rebuild my life in a way that honors and makes space for this slower pace of movement through all that I have to do.
I am returning home to my truest self–my Prakriti. My internal landscape is beginning to shift, slowly informing and influencing my external one to change along with it. I am gaining weight where I used to be underweight, and I am not forcing things to happen but learning to respond more to what life has to offer me. I feel more like “myself,” in the purest sense of the phrase of what it means to be “oneself,” and it’s quite loosely defined. It has room to change and breathe and make mistakes and take things slowly, knowing that rushing to the ends of things really sucks the joy out of the entire purpose of life-which is to savor, and cherish, since life itself naturally feels like it’s moving faster as we grow older and we don’t need to run anywhere to make a home run.
It’s not like I never connected with the elements of earth and water previously, but the shift has been in the effort I put towards this connection. In the past, with my Vata-Pitta dosha driven mindset, I wouldn’t have counted sitting in the backyard or briefly walking around my parent’s house or the neighborhood as a nurturing, Kapha activity. Because of the pressure I put on myself about going to the park, I was missing out on what was always available to me right outside my doorstep.
Now I spend at least 20 minutes everyday in the yard and sometimes longer if I decide to stroll the neighborhood or attend to the plants my parents are growing. Both ways (going to the park for a long hike and spending time in a home-garden space) are still grounding and encouraging of balancing through Kapha, but my attitude about it is what’s making a real difference in me truly feeling its effects. Afterall, it’s more relaxing to simply step outside my room for half an hour and take in the fresh air without getting out of my pajamas, than it is to think less of myself for not putting in the effort to go to the park (which, if I forced myself to do it, would aggravate my Pitta imbalance anyway since this summer has been so hot!).
I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s not even the activities we do, but the approach we take towards them. In this case, less effort for the same deal is yielding a better sense of well-being for me. Whenever it’s not too hot for the park, I am also spending more time by the lakes and bodies of water. It’s quite meditative and soothing to stare at the ripples that glimmer under the light and it immediately calms my nervous system.
Other ways in which I’m helping rebalance my doshas by adding Kapha are by planning my activities around my meal times and giving myself more time to savor what I’m eating, rather than waiting to rush to the next activity. I’ll admit that I still look forward to what’s next and it’s still a work-in-progress for me to go through all of my meals without my phone & without my entire focus on my food. But by paying attention to how my body feels when I eat and do other activities, I am better able to discern when it’s time to simply focus on my food and when it’s okay to divide my attention between eating and something else. It’s definitely not the easiest task but I am finding more and more ease with it as I practice truly savoring my food and spending more time in the kitchen, even down to what I eat. Adding more ghee and rich soups, preparing softer meals that are easier to digest and more dense in their composition are some ways that I am literally adding more weight in my system to help me ground.
Re-designing my life around my somatic needs in this way is naturally creating more breaks for me that act as buffer-times between other task-oriented activities and this is creating a new routine where personal check-ins are not left for the end of the day or just dreamt about in the beginning before the day “carries me away.” Rather, my overall pace is less rushed so that I feel like I am really the one engaging in the day intentionally rather than the day simply “happening to me.” My life is not one continuous sport & I’m not trying to race to my deathbed. This newfound & balancing Kapha energy is very beautiful. I hope to seep in more of it in the coming months as I travel to India, reconnect with my roots, & engage in various Eastern medicine programs to support my recovery.
I’d like to thank my parents, my grandmother who has passed away but continues to live with me in spirit, my brother, and my closest friends and mentors for supporting my recovery journey. Although my parents may have unintentionally contributed towards some of my unhealthy internalized belief systems that led to my dosha-development when I was younger, I am still grateful for their understanding in the choices I am making now as I’ve begun unlearning habits and modes of being that no longer serve me & stunt my growth.
I truly believe our parents, as well as our friends, mentors, and the larger circle of people in our growing environment do the best they can with where they are on their own journeys. It is ultimately up to us to discern if something is hurting or helping us and take a different path. Everyone on our path is a teacher and a student in this way, so I also thank you, as the reader, for making it to the end of this 3-part series and hope you gained something from witnessing my journey. I look forward to deepening my understanding of Ayurveda in India and hope to share a full-recovery blog post in the near (or distant) future since recovery has its own timeline & I wouldn’t be honoring the Kapha in my life if I were to rush its process!
Aekta Bandodker is a lover of knowledge and an artist through and through. She believes in the healing power of self-expression and story-telling and the liberation that it provides in transforming trauma. She loves to help people change their inner narratives so that they can take back ownership of their lives. Her favorite activities include spending time with close friends and family, listening to music, learning through audiobooks and podcasts, writing or creating art, and spending time in nature. Check out her website here!